life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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