Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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