i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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