Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
