I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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