Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
