Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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