if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
