Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
