New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
