you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
