wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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