You smell like a Billy Joel song
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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