Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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