Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I did not marry a roomba.
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