I wish my penis had an off switch
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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