Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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