She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
