So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
