Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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