How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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