dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
