just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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