Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
