Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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