I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
