made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
