First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
