a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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