were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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