Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
