How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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