if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm jealous of your bromance
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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