Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
