Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
