I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
