yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
