So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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