I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
