So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
