fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize