Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
