I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
