she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
