I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
