When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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