i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize