I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
