You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
