i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
