grandma shit on top of the toilet
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
