Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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