I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
