if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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