did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
