So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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