I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
