I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
