I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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