I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
